June 1, 2006

Hey:

  Sorry for the delay. Its taken me a bit longer to get back into the swing of things here after our 5 days
of fun on Hilton Head Island. I have to say, as much as I was looking to get away for a few days, I wasn't
as psyched for Hilton Head as I was for San Antonio. For one thing, I had never been to Texas and it
seemed like Hilton Head was one of those places where there wasn't a whole lot going on. I'm not a big
fan of flying somewhere to go to the beach, when I have the best beach in the world, right on 112th
Street.
        But there is something to be said for a place that has only one gate at its airport, one major
highway, and whose TV sportscasts are all highlights from Savannah High School's baseball teams. If
you are looking to get away, and leave the world behind, Hilton Head is the place to go.
         To get there, we took a US Airways flight to Charlotte, which was harmless and uneventful enough,
but then we connected to a plane that looked more like the crop duster chasing Cary Grant in North by
Northwest than any plane I've ever been on. It was one of those planes that had the propellers on the
wings. I felt like Indiana Jones getting on that thing. And it was loud and uncomfortable, but luckily it was
a short trip, a little over an hour from Charlotte to Hilton Head.
        When we got to Hilton Head, we were in THE smallest airport I've ever been in. Like I said, there was
one gate. The baggage claim was just a stationary steel slide that the baggage handlers manually put
your bags on.
I know that I'm not world traveler, but I seriously have never seen anyplace like this.
         Upon retrieving our rent a car, which was right next to the baggage claim which was right next to
the gate, we headed for the Tanger Outlet Mall. While shopping ranks right up there with funerals and
doctors visits on my list of things I hate doing, this was actually kind of fun. For one thing, the prices
were incredible. For another, the people in the stores were so friendly, it made what's usually a tedious
experience something quite pleasant.
        After we were done shopping, we headed to our hotel. When we booked this trip, I was put in
charge of getting us a hotel. For the life of me, I don't know why I picked this one. Maybe the rates were
good, I don't know, but we stayed at the Players Club Hotel near the Sea Pines section of the island.
        It wasn't the worst hotel I ever stayed in, and the grounds that it was built on were beautiful, but the
rooms themselves weren't all that nice, and the service was not up to par. They also advertised that it
was a quick walk to the beach. Er not quite.
       It was a hike to the beach which included a dash across a four lane highway. The beach itself wasn't
all that great either. I'll say this: It was perfect for riding a bike along the shore in the late afternoon/early
evening. For sitting there and relaxing, it left much to be desired. The sand was rock hard. It was windy.
The sand got everywhere. I'll admit my beach expertise is extremely limited (I'm very proud to say, and I
bragged to Tara about this, but after nearly 33 years, I have still never stepped foot on Jones Beach.)
but this was a bit disappointing.
        When we got back from the beach, we went for a swim in the hotel pool, (which was very nice) and
we got ready to go to dinner.

RESTAURANT REVIEW--THE OLD FORT PUB.

I had looked up a few places on-line before we left, and this place got many fine reviews. The pictures
supplied on the website were nice, and I know Tara likes a good sunset. So we went here and were very
pleased. The food was outstanding and dining on the deck outside allowed us to view a beautiful sunset.
Very romantic.
The only problem I had was that our waiter was an absolute screwball. He was this guy in his 50's who
kept having to repeat himself because he had a mint in his mouth (or so he said). He also had this
annoying way of describing the specials, as if he was describing a naked picture of Catherine Zeta-
Jones. It was like that episode of Seinfeld when the smell of food would turn George on.
        We then made the mistake of asking him about places to go for nightlife. The short answer in Hilton
Head is that the nightlife is limited. But this clown asked us where we were staying, then said "Start
heading back that way, you're gonna see a shopping center on your right. When you see that there, pull
in and park your car." Then he waltzed away. So what? Does that mean the shopping center has a bar?
Or does that mean we should grab a 40-Dawg and drink in the parking lot? (WEEKLY MAIL DOES NOT
CONDONE DRINKING AND DRIVING). I'm sorry there's no other way to say it -- this waiter was a
fruitcake.
        But the food itself was exquisite. I had the salmon and Tara had the crab cakes. Deeelish.

4.0 Aces.

We decided just to head back to the hotel and call it a night. We had quite an adventure planned for
Thursday.

        As we were planning this trip, we looked at what activities we would like to try. Golf and tennis were
aplenty down there, but golf can be tedious and neither one of us play tennis. So we planned to go
kayaking and parasailing.
        On Thursday morning, we went to sign up for parasailing at the Palmetto Beach Club. When we
were signing up and paying, we had all sorts of guts.

Do you want a water landing or a dry landing?
We came here for adventure, plop us right in the water.
OK, would you like to go up 400 or 800 feet?
Hell. put us up 1200 feet for all we care. The higher the better!



At first the guy said that if we wanted to do a tandem, there had to be less than 300lbs between the two
of us. Since I almost take up that limit by myself, I figured we'd have to go alone. But because there was
a good wind, they said we could go together.
    We went and got breakfast and went back to the hotel for a bit, then we headed back to the bay. It
was going to be us and 2 other couples. There were Blake and Carrie, two college kids from Texas, and
Bob and Pat, and older couple from Connecticut. Our captains were Matt and Randy.
     For whatever reason, Tara and I were chosen to go first. It took about 20 minutes to get to the spot
where we would go up. The boatride in and of itself was beautiful. When we got to the area in the marina
where were going to sail, they strapped us on with life jackets and hooked us on to the parachute. Then
they had us squat on the back of the boat, they let the boat rip, and off we went. Up, up and away!
     It took about 10 seconds for me to ask myself why I agreed to do this, when I came to the realization
that they only thing keeping me from plunging 800 feet to my untimely death was a seatbelt like strap
under my upper thigh. You were sitting on this strap that went from the top of the thigh to halfway above
the knee.
Your butt was hanging off the end of the strap, for all of South Carolina to see.
       And we didn't exactly  go up gently either. Every time you went up another several feet, it seemed
like the harness on the chute gave you a hard tug. It was giving me nausea, but Tara was laughing her
a$$ off. That made me calm down.
      And once you got to your cruising altitude, it was unbelievable. The views were breathtaking and
because you were so high up it was really quiet. So long as you didn't look down, and if you convince
yourself that you weren't going to fall, it was really amazing.
       We could see for miles around, and it was a beautiful day. Eventually, the parachute was lowered to
the point where you still had the feeling you were flying, while feeling you would merely break some
limbs if you fell.
        They were able to lower us so that our feet would hit the water, but then when they pulled you in,
you were supposed to land on the boat on your feet. Of course, both of us landed on our butts, and
were the only ones of the three couples that didn't stick the landing. Still for the rest of the day, in fact
for the rest of the trip, we both had this feeling that we had accomplished something. I know that sounds
crazy, but we actually felt like we had defied death. Even though we really didn't.
        After we landed, we spent some time watching a school of dolphins swimming in the marina, then
we headed back to the hotel, for we were heading back to Savannah that night.
         When last we were in Savannah, it was chilly and rainy, but a lot of fun.  We wanted to hit The Lady
& Son's Restaurant (Weekly Mail Review February 2005) which had the best buffet I have ever had.
Problem was, we got there at 5 PM, and the earliest we could get a table was 7:30. So for old times
sake, we walked around downtown.
       We did a couple of things we didn't get to do the last time (like visit the city market) and we did a
couple of other things we enjoyed. (Watch the candlemakers and hit the sweet shop.) We also watched
the boats go by on the Savannah River. It was good to be back.
       Now I love New York as much as anybody, and I don't think I'd ever want to leave, but here's a story
that shows you one big difference between NY and the South. And chalk this one up for the South.
       We were looking for parking in Savannah and were having a hard time. We found a garage, but after
we pulled in, we saw that it would close by 7. Being that our reservations were for 7:30 that was no good.
So when we were coming out of the garage, the guy in the booth asked us how long we had been inside,
we told him our story and he didn't take any money. There were no tickets, it was just the honor system.
       And then we got a spot at a meter. There was a traffic cop writing out tickets, but when I went to put
money in the meter, she said, "You don't have to do that. It's  10 to 5 and the meters aren't in effect after
5. This is my area, so don't worry about it." Sure enough, she rode away, and there were no tickets on
our window when we got back from dinner. Can you imagine a traffic cop in quota-driven Bloomberg's
New York doing that? Bloomberg (like Guiliani before him) would fire a cop that did that.
       Dinner at the Lady & Son's was incredible, but I figured out how she nail's you at the buffet. She has
an all you can eat buffet, with the most incredible mac and cheese and mashed potatoes you'll ever
have. You think that you can go up there 3 or 4 times, and in all actuality you can go up as many times
as you wish. But the food is so filling that you end up going up just once or twice. And then you wave
the white flag. Trust me, I know I have some champion eaters in this group. You are no match for Paula
Deen's buffet.
         The drive back to Hilton Head was a bit rough, mainly because we were both bursting at the seams
after that dinner. But we made it back in one piece, and called it another night.
           On Friday we had breakfast at a place called Kenny B's. Kenny specialized in Louisiana Cajun
cooking and made his place a shrine to Georgia Bulldog football.(all in South Carolina)  He has a pet
bulldog named Gumbo, whose picture is everywhere, usually dressed in Georgia football gear (How
'bout them dawgs!)
      According to local folk, Gumbo usually hangs out in the diner, though we didn't see him.
    I have to say, this was a simple, but thoroughly enjoyable breakfast. It didn't seem like the nicest
place in the world, but the food was tasty, and you couldn't help but laugh at all the Georgia Bulldog
stuff, which is a bit like having a Red Sox bar in the Bronx.
    After breakfast, we went back to the beach, but it was very windy, and despite the fact that the sand
was flat, I managed to get covered in sand, just sitting there. After a while it was just too hot
and uncomfortable, and so we went back to the hotel pool, which was much more refreshing. While there
we met a fella named Mike, who offered us three extra nights at the hotel for free. Mike explained to us
that he had vowed never to be cold again, so he moved to Hilton Head from Pittsburgh and supported
himself by selling timeshares. He had deals with all the hotels. He was a character, but he knew Hilton
Head inside and out.
        He recommended a couple of places for us to go, and explained why that idiot waiter told us to go
to the shopping center. It was actually a supermarket with a whole bunch of good restaurants around it.
He recommended two places, a place for dinner and a place to drink afterwards.

RESTAURANT REVIEW--PARK PLACE

         We were like the first ones there so we were seated and served right away. We both had seafood,
and I was beginning to realize that I hadn't had beef since I left NY. The service was great and the food
again was outstanding. To be honest we didn't have a bad meal our whole time in Hilton Head. God
Bless Low Country cookin.!

4.0 Aces

It was time to get drunk! We started at a place called the Metropolitan Lounge, which was more a wine
bar than a good time bar. But the bartender was great. He regaled us with stories of University of South
Carolina football tailgate parties. He also told us that Charleston, SC is probably SC's most fun city, (a
few other people backed him up on this.) He also cracked up when we told him what bar we were
heading to next. It was the place Mike recommended. Montego Bay.

I know that most of you have seen Caddyshack, do you remember the scene where Rodney Dangerfield
walks into the dinner party at Bushwood, and yells "Wow, dance of the living dead!" before he hands
some money to the bandleader and says "Hey Ringo play something hot!" ? Well, my friends that was
Montego Bay. When Mike told us that Montego Bay had an older crowd, we thought he meant older
like our age late 20's early 30's. The people in the nursing home up the street from Woodsy are younger
than these people. An older crowd? These people were buying drinks with their Social Security checks.
Even the band was in the old-timers club.
      All wasn't lost, however. There were some young people in there too, but it seemed like the young
women who were there were there for the express purpose of picking yup older men. So if any of you
ladies are looking for a Sugar Daddy, I've got the place for you. For me and Tara is was more like the
bar in Star Wars.

We hit more place that was much better. It was kind of like Durty Nellie's in San Antonio with a piano
player taking requests. It was a much more hip crowd there too. We stayed there for a bit, then we
headed back to the hotel.

The last place of interest that we hit was the CRAZY CRAB. In short, the food there was excellent, but
what I'll always remember about this place was the wedding going on there. Now don't get me wrong, The
Crazy Crab was a very nice place, but it wasn't Russo's on the Bay. Yet, this happy couple were having
their reception there. The bride looked about 18 and wore a dress like the one Axl Rose's wife wore in the
video for November Rain. The groom looked more like he was going to his prom.
      We both had the boiled seafood platter for dinner, which as I said was excellent, and the perfect
backdrop for the white wedding. We also got a chocolate peanut butter pie second only to the Ace's in
terms of tastiness.
      Upon our return to NY, the first thing I did was order myself a meatball hero. As much fun as I had
down there and as great as the food was, I was jonesing for some good old fashioned Italian food and
especially some red meat.
    I know it sounds like I complained alot, but to be honest it was a great trip, just a very different world
than the one we inhabit here in New York City. We met some interesting people and saw some strange
things. But I would definitely go back. And if any of you have ever been to Charleston, SC, please let
WM know how you liked it, because it seems like Charleston is the place where Hilton Head Islanders go
to get away from the people who are there to get away.

Congratulations Lisa and Jack!!!!

I hope all is well and that we see each other soon.
Wild Bill